I have been dating my boyfriend for approximately sixteen months now. He lives only 10 minutes away from me in our hometown, and he graduated from ILR in May. It’s been a very interesting relationship, especially because of the situation, more specifically our locations. We started dating May of 2006, and our dating consisted of us getting together everyday—this means they were all face-to-face conversations. Occasionally we would discuss briefly on AOL Instant Messenger how we would want to spend the next day, whether it be bowling, or going to the beach, or running. This all changed when we arrived in Ithaca because not only did we see each other day, we pretty much lived together. So this cut out all of the CMC conversations, since we were together all of the time. Our relationship again changed this past August, when I came back to Cornell, and he moved to Brooklyn. Being apart, me in Ithaca, and he in Brooklyn, we have thus far been forced to adapt to the circumstances. Because we lived to close to each other at home on Long Island, and we lived together in Ithaca, the majority of our conversations were face-to-face, but we now have to choose another way to communicate (because of the distance). Currently, we keep each other up-to-date daily via AOL Instant Messenger, email, and phone calls, which is more CMC than we have ever used during the span of our relationship.
Looking at McKenna’s relationship facilitation factors, I recognize that identifiability plays a strong role in our relatively new CMC-based relationship. Identifiability notes that CMC in general has high levels of self-disclosure (Joinson 2001)—it revolves around the “stranger in the crowd effect” where because of the anonymity or even visual anonymity, there is an increased amount of self-disclosure, which eventually leads to increasing the strength and development of the relationship. I believe this occurs in my relationship because although there is no true anonymity or even visual anonymity, the fact still is that my boyfriend is not the same space as me, and I am not in the same space as him. This leads to our uninhibited behaviors online, where we often discuss (more often than when we communicated face-to-face) how we feel that we’re not together, and where our future lies. It is hard for us to talk about this issue face-to-face because when we are together, we both like to not worry about the future; we just like to live in the present. It’s different with CMC because one can’t see the other’s true emotions—there is a lack of social cues that would normally occur if the conversation happened face-to-face (facial expressions, hand gestures, etc.).
Another one of McKenna’s relationship facilitation factors that I recognize within my long-distance relationship with my boyfriend is getting the goods—which is the ability to get information about others prior to meeting. In the my situation, I know that I like to use facebook to get the goods about my boyfriend, whether it be status updates, a new person he has friended, or something he has added to his personal information (I do this for most of my friends, just to see how they’re doing if I don’t have time to talk to them). By being able to get information before my boyfriend volunteers the information, I know what he chooses to tell me, and what he chooses not to tell me (which is McKenna’s interactional control, on his part). I can also see if he is being honest with me (and he can see if I am being honest with him), which is an important part of the relationship, especially when we are so far away from each other. I have set my newsfeed settings so that I get the most information about my boyfriend (how convenient!), and it makes my life easier to see how he’s doing in times that he’s especially busy and can’t talk (due to the demands of being a first-year law student). Facebook got it right when they had settings for who you wanted more information about, and who you wanted less information about!
All in all, it has thus far been an interesting relationship in the progression of our relationship, and I think it will be important to recognize more of McKenna’s relationship facilitation factors just to have an idea of what our relationship will turn out to be.
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3 comments:
Hi Vivian -
I thought your blog was fun to read because I myself wrote about a similar long distance relationship that started at Cornell. One thing I found really interesting when thinking about my relationship was how the distance and mediated communication strengthened it. I guess when you are around someone so often (like you, I spent almost every waking moment with my boyfriend while he was here) you tend to take their presence for granted. One thing you might want to think about is how Wallace's disinhibition factor may relate to your particular situation. I know that personally, when I was forced to adjust to limited and mediated communication, I was more inclined to self-disclose my true feelings.
- Sherrie
Interesting post!
In regards McKenna's "stranger in the crowd" effect and your situation, I've found the same to be true. It is considerably easier to discuss certain issues with my significant other via CMC due to us both being less inhibited online.
It's also interesting that you mention the Facebook newsfeed. When the feature was first implemented, it seemed as if most people felt it was too invasive for maintaining casual relationships. I suppose it would have positive implications for a more intimate long-distance relationship because it's a constant source of day-to-day information about a partner's life. Although, a lot of people would say that this, too, is invasive, but that probably depends on the degree to which both partners are comfortable having that kind of information made available.
Hey Vivian!
First of all, good luck. I had a long-distance relationship this summer, living on the opposite coast from my girlfriend, and although it was absolutely worth it, it was also very trying sometimes. I agree that it takes some adapting and a lot of tech-mediated communication; in fact, I'm inclined to think that every communication technology since letter-writing has increased the ease and popularity of long-distance romance.
It's interesting to me that you had increased disclosure online compared to in person. My experience was that CMC forced shorter conversations, so we didn't have time to build up to deep, uninhibited communication. But I think your strategy of living in the present when he's around is great :)
Again, good luck!
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