11: This is embarrassing

If there is one regret I have in my life its getting involved with someone online. Not only did all my friends mock me relentlessly for having a myspace “girlfriend”, but also they haven’t stopped reminding me of it four years later.
Taylor was the answer to all of my prayers, or so I thought. I was in 10th grade and a card carrying member of the lonely hearts club. So when a random girl from the town next to me left me a friendly message, I was intrigued. She and I had similar tastes in music, and she thought I was cool. That was really all we had going for us.
Over the next few week’s we talked a lot online and even on the phone for a bit. We didn’t really have deep conversations, but she was very friendly, and I was okay meeting her in town for pizza after about a month, because we got along so well online.
This is a textbook example of the hyperpersonal theory. The hyperpersonal theory has five elements, and Taylor and I hit all of them.

1. Over-Attribution Process: Fewer cues lead to exaggerated impressions.
Because we met on myspace, and than moved onto instant messaging, I didn’t have much to judge this girl on, and so I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and thought she was cool.

2. Developmental Aspect: Better relationships form over time
Without my knowledge, our interactions developed straight into a relationship. Before long “<3 Steve” was in her AIM profile, and I had nothing to do with it.

3. Selective Self-Presentation
If anyone’s ever had “The Angles”, it was Taylor.  Meeting her in real life was a total shocker.  I was so suprised by the way she looked, nothing else really mattered.  I was already ready to leave.

4. Re-allocation of cognitive resources: you focus so much on what you type, you don’t really pay attention to anything else.
Its true. I thought a lot about making myself sound cool. I thought so much about that, it didn’t cross my mind that she might be doing the same.

5. Behavioral Confirmation: if someone thinks you are X, you act X.
I wasn’t aware of this, but looking back it was probably true. The more Taylor liked me, the more likable I acted. I was nicer to Taylor than I was to any of my real friends.

So online, Taylor and I were great for each other. We had very little in common and weren’t aware of the pitfalls of myspace. Once I met her, however, I was confronted by someone who was far far less attractive than the girl I thought I had met online. It was immediately I decided to end this relationship, realizing I had walked right into what I thought only happened in jokes.

11: My Crazy Mormon Friend

How can one put into words my friendship with Alexander, aka Dess, the crazy Korean Mormon from California? Dess is a missionary by daylight, and building-climber by night (he has been on mission for the past two years in Wyoming and Colorado spreading the word, and has also been to the rooftop of Baker Tower by means I will not disclose here). I met Dess on the Class of 2008 website 3 1/2 years ago. Back then, the website was a social tool for pre-freshmen to get to know each other based on common residences, majors, etc. Now the Class of '08 website has catapulted itself into a forum for keeping seniors updated on events culminating towards graduation. While viewing the website as a prefrosh, uncertainty was at its highest as I perused profiles similar to those found on Facebook, minus Scrabbulous. However, when I found out Dess was one suite over from me in Low Rise 7, the uncertainty between us began to decrease as we exchanged messages over the website, as well as IMs over the summer. Clearing up the gray area between two people via communication led to a greater affinity to my new friend.

The Uncertainty Reduction Theory (URT), from Berger and Calabrese, states that the uncertainty reduction process leads to greater attraction between two people. This can occur through greater communication between the two, and ultimately the meeting of two people FtF after using CMC for some period of time. The more information is exchanged between partners, the more they will know each other, and if they get along, simply put, they'll like each other more. A myriad of cues are given FtF that are not available over CMC, such as appearance - after meeting Dess Ftf I know that he is not a slob, or doesn't wear a leather jacket with spikes coming out of it. Rather, he wears a t-shirt and jeans just like everybody else, or white buttoned down shirt and nametag when he's doing missionary stuff. One can also deduce race FtF - I already knew he was Korean from his last name, but when I saw him, then I could make sure. Carrying on a conversation in person can give one an idea of how the other person carries themselves - Dess was a little awkward at first, but weren't we all awkward as freshmen? One is also more able to tell whether another individual is happy, depressed, angry, or complacent FtF rather than its needing to be stated directly in words. When I met Dess online, I already knew that I liked the kid, but after meeting him FtF we became better friends as we were more familiar with each other. Today, Dess is one of my closest friends at Cornell, and I wouldn't have it any other way.


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Enemies Falling In Love

I read a story online where an individual in high school was falling for a girl who had absolutely no interest in him. She believed the rumors circulating around the school about him, and although the article does not say what they were, I the impression that they were not working in favor. These two individuals had never spoken and he got the impression that she hated him. One afternoon he found a personal ad of hers online so he decided to make a new email address and began to chat with her, telling her nothing but the truth; other than his name of course. He then tried writing her an email from his old address asking if they could meet and get to know each other. She quickly declined saying that she had a boyfriend. What she did not know was that her "boyfriend" was him. Shortly after this happened she asked him online if they could meet sometime. He was extremely nervous but agreed to meet. They arranged a time and place to meet and as he walked toward her table she did not believe and and actually asked him to recite the poem that he had written for her. They actually sat down, shared their first kiss and fell in love, and have been ever since.
This story is consistent with how SIP theory leads to relational growth online. Also, he was honest so when they met there relationship grew even more. If he had lied about himself or said things that were not true in order to impress her the relationship probably would have failed or been "jarred". This also relates to the hyperpersonal model because often online relationships lead to inflated impressions of one another. Their relationship was different because of the honesty and trust that they had developed of one another. They were able to do this because they did not engage in actions such as selective self presentation. This story shows exactly how a relationship can develop online if the participants are honest, which is very difficult to do online.

Assignment 11 - Meeting my boyfriend online: revisited.

As previously stated here, I had known my significant other two years prior to us ever meeting face-to-face. We first met on a video game discussion forum and, after that community disbanded, continued to interact over AIM and later, via phone. When we finally decided to meet during spring break my sophomore year, it was slightly awkward for the first few hours until conversation drifted to more mutual subjects of interest; after that, it felt no different than any of the numerous other times we had spoken before.

Walther's Social Information Processing (SIP) theory is applicable here. SIP contests the notion that the absence of non-verbal cues restricts the effective exchange of social information and, instead, places an emphasis on the adaptation of cues to the channel over time. It assumes that, even though impression formation develops more slowly in CMC than FtF, over time, it will not be more or less impoverished in either mode of communication. In this case, we had both formed rather strong impressions of one another in the two years before we communicated face to face and didn't expect those perceptions to be otherwise modified by a change in medium. They were not, possibly because we had both maintained a policy of being perfectly honest, so we knew exactly what to expect the entire time. Also, because we had known each other for so long, a significant amount of social information had already been exchanged.

Ramirez and Wang's hypothesis (long-term online relationships taken offline will be overall negatively impacted) is incorrect in this case; our relationship has only improved by meeting offline, even though both of us were apprehensive of meeting face to face due to having heard various horror stories. The modality switch did little but create a slight uneasiness as both of us wondered whether or not one was negatively evaluating the other based on the increase of social cues. Again, perhaps our mutual honesty was the key here, as we managed to avoid the over-attribution process described in the Hyperpersonal Model (limited social cues obtained via CMC are exaggerated); false and unrealistic expectations on the part of one or both participants seem to be why most online-to-offline relationships fail.

A.11 - Student Twenty Something

Having lived overseas, the high school I was accepted to back home in Toronto required I complete several research projects to fulfill certain provincial education standards and checks the summer before starting the 9^th grade. Due to the task being somewhat daunting for an almost 9^th grade student I was assigned numerous advisors in various fields; history, math, science, etc. I had one main advisor who I collaborated with determine my research topic and prepare for a 10-15 minute presentation at the end of the summer. Since I had yet to move to Toronto my relationship with my soon to be teachers began through the internet via email and specifically designed forums for the project. Despite some technical hang ups, I posted my questions on the forum for my teachers, emailed my thoughts, and read their responses. Over the course of the summer, I begin to develop what I thought was an understanding of the people I was communicating with.

However, after meeting some of my teachers a couple days before the big presentation I had an overwhelming sense of confusion and distance from people I had been talking to all summer. Suddenly it felt as if the summer had just started and my questions seemed awkward, and it was weird talking to these teachers. What happened in the shift from online to the real world?

My experience seems to reflect what Ramirez and Wang hypothesized and found consistent with their study that when moving from long-term computer mediated communications (CMC) to face to face (FtF) there will be additional social information evaluated negatively and uncertainty provoking rendering the switch overall negative. It seemed as if the knowledge I thought I know about my teachers was naïve, incomplete, and inadequate. As a result, when real life filled in the gaps, there was confusion and somewhat of a withdrawal.

The hyper personal model could help to explain what had happened. During my time communicating through CMC, all I knew of my teachers were their responses to my questions, I did not even have photographs of who was teaching me. As teachers are expected to be, their responses were polite and helpful. Due to lack of conflicting information, the over attribution process develops. They were polite and helpful so they must be really polite and helpful. This was reinforced throughout the summer, but when I met them in real life their politeness seemed stiff, formal and the help; just enough to get by. I was a simple 9^th grader, among many others taking up valuable summer time, so it seemed. The extra visual information tempered my reactions. In addition to hyper personal another effect could have also played a part. In a sense, I was self-centered. Emails were directed to me. I was having real conversations with my teachers. In reality I was student number twenty whatever out of thirty whatever. After meeting in real life, it was clear that the teachers’ priorities were elsewhere and understandably so.

As it stands, my experience seems to lend support to the hypothesis of Ramirez and Wang, after a relatively long online relationship, moving offline has an overall negative effect on the relationship.

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Assignment 11 - An Online Relationship Gone Bad

For this assignment, I will use the story of one of my best friend’s online relationships to demonstrate the hyperpersonal theory with relation to online relationships leaving virtuality. For the sake of this assignment, I will call my friend “Jade” for anonymity purposes. Now Jade and I were great friends throughout elementary and middle school. Once we separated and went to different high schools, we still kept in touch and I became Jade’s source of comfort and support through her tough online relationship.

Jade and I were juniors in high school when she told me of this boy she met in a national religious youth group newsgroup that facilitated interaction for chapters all over the United States. Over time, she became involved with a boy named Marc from Jacksonville, Florida. I was never a fan of online relationships because they always creeped me out, not knowing who could potentially be on the other end of the computer. However, I had no choice but to support my friend and hope for her safety. After about a year of communicating through email and instant message, Jade and Marc established a strong friendship and talked about deep feelings and emotions that they did not disclose to anyone they had met face to face. When it was time for their youth group’s national convention that year, they couldn’t wait to finally meet each other. From Jade’s point of view, even I admired Marc and put him on a pedestal based on the wonderful things Jade had pointed out about him. She thought he was spiritually gifted and concluded that he was perfect and nothing could change her feelings about him, not even a meeting face to face.

On the day of the convention, Jade and Marc planned to meet after an orientation meeting and I was shocked when I received a call from a hysterical Jade, extremely disappointed after her initial meeting with Marc. I think that the hyperpersonal model definitely came into play for Jade and Marcs’ relationship because Jade had initially painted an exaggerated, flawless picture of Marc in her mind and set high expectations for their meeting. She automatically wanted to believe that he was a great, wholesome guy just because he was a part of her religious youth group. Because of their limited virtual means of communication, they were able to carefully filer their information sharing and choose how they wanted to present themselves. This led to a disappointing first meeting because they were, for the first time, forced to interact without control over information disclosure. It turned out to be a challenge because both Jade and Marc had such strong feelings for each other just from talking online that they were devastated when they didn’t turn out to be the people they expected/wanted to be. This was a perfect example of the hyperpersonal model and in light of the theory, it is a shame that these exaggerated perceptions and expectations had to lead to a negative, disappointing outcome.

http://comm245blue.blogspot.com/2007/11/enemies-falling-in-love.html

http://comm245blue.blogspot.com/2007/11/she-blocked-him-when-myspace-love-goes.html

11 Meeting A Friend IRL

One relationship I’ve had that started online was with a friend that I was developing a website with. We met each other online on a social news site and talked for many months as friends. After a while we realized that we were both interested in web design and decided to meet up. I got in the car and drove to meet him and was surprised by what I found.

Upon meeting, I initially liked him less than I had online. I’d say the hyperpersonal model definitely rang true here. Online I had thought of him as being very intelligent, and in person I still thought he was intelligent, but perhaps not quite as intelligent as he appeared on the Internet due to selective self-presentation. However, after some time I began to like more. I developed increased (platonic) attraction toward him, but for completely different reasons than the ones that had made me like him initially online. I would chalk this up to uncertainty reduction theory. So what happened was that I initially liked him less than I did online because of the hyperpersonal model, but in the end I began to like him more because I traits that weren’t apparent online.

In the end we decided not to go forward with our web project, or at least it is on backburner currently, but I still would consider my experience of meeting him online to be a positive one. My advice for those meeting someone for the first time would be that if you don't like the other person as much as you initially thought you would, don't treat it as a write-off, just take a deep breath and go out for a few beers and after a few more hours you may end up liking the other person even more.