I couldn't agree more. Social software is basically good to the extent it gets its users laid. And while there have been other dating websites in the past, none have been nearly as effective as facebook. Why? Facebook is designed for lying. Not the bad, evil kinds of lies. The good kind. The kind that make you look cool. The kind that get you laid.
Of course I would never do this personally. Women find me attractive enough already. But if a friend were to ask me, I'd go through the seven lies of highly effective Facebook. This strategy will totally 100% get you laid. Trust me.
- Get as many friends as possible. If you don't have at least 100 friends, you should probably kill yourself.
- Write on lots of people's walls. Then they'll be obligated to write back on your wall, and you'll look really cool.
- Make sure you're profile picture has alcohol in it. This will make it look like you have lots of friends and get invited to all the cool parties.
- Under interests, list things like your favorite clothing brand and where you last went on vacation. This will subtly hint that you have lots of money in a tasteful way.
- Say that you're married to another guy. Everyone will think you are really funny. Trust me.
- If all your music tastes are really obscure, add at least one trashy pop album. This will make you look like a man of the people. Alternatively, if all your music is generic rock, add at least one album that no one has ever heard of. This will make you look classy.
- Join lots of political groups about things like ending discrimination and saving Darfur. This absolves you from real world responsibilities like helping others and voting. If Martin Luther King Jr. were still alive today, this is exactly what he'd be doing.
Remember, success comes first on your profile, then in your pants, never the other way around.
So, what does this look like in practice? Let's borrow my friend's girlfriend as an example.
"Katie" has 436 friends at Stanford. Of course that's counting Leonhard Euler, who, as Wikipedia tells us, died in 1783. And although I can't prove it, I suspect that most of her 435 other friends are bullshit as well. Except me, I totally care.
Kate also has 265 wall posts. Mostly from hot guys. I asked her and she claims it's just coincidental. By the way, why do all my wall posts keep disappearing???
As for interests, indigenous ethnomedicine? The "ultimate truth"? 'Nuff said. And I'm sure you're totally blasting Gregorian chant on that iPod.
Talking with her later confirmed my suspicions. While many elements were "based in truth," Katie confirmed that several others were basically PDOMA.
Almost all of the signals I've mentioned thus far are classic message-based deceptions. That is, like conventional signals, these are low-cost displays that are associated with a characteristic. It is very easy to fake your interests or snap a few pics of yourself drinking with friends to make you look smarter or funnier or cooler than you really are. Even your choice of social network is arguably a form of message-based deception. As Danah Boyd writes, "MySpace and Facebook are new representations of the class divide in American youth." The idea is that Facebook and MySpace users tend to self-segregate along socioeconomic grounds. The fact that Katie is on Facebook and would send positive signals to future spouses and employers about her socioeconomic background.
In addition to false messages, Katie's profile contains identity-based deceptions as well. Like assessment signals, identity-based deception is a more costly form of signaling. If messaged-based deception is like telling a lie, identity-based deception is the equivalent of living a lie. Going to Stanford would fall under this category because the purposeful visibility of both the financial cost and the admissions selectivity. The same arguably goes for her many pictures from exotic vacations (that signal wealth), since these places stay a part of you even after you leave. And of course once she graduates her future employer will provide yet another form of identity-based deception in the form of social proofing.
6 comments:
This has to be the funniest thing I have seen on the blogs all semester. Awesome stuff.
Have you considered offering your services publicly as a facebook coolness consultant? Take me for example--I signed up for facebook this weekend, after it became too embarrassing being the only person in the country under the age of 50 without an account. With your services, I could go from being a no-friend loser to the coolest guy in grad school in no time!
This blog was pretty fantastic,and entirely true. I like that you recognize facebook success as a predecessor to in-your-pants success, because I'm fairly sure I can name at least 5 guys who've interspersed the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Rolling Stones with the new album from Imogen Heap, and at least 19 others that list "lifting" and "drinking" as daily hobbies. I also agree that we tag/untag/post our pictures as to make us look as cool as humanly possible - because, who doesn't want to get laid?
But, do you really find her "Stanford" label to be an example of identiy-based deception? Is it not just as purposely visible, elite, and financially-demanding as your own Cornell network? While I might consider this aspect of your analysis a stretch, I do agree that the elaborate vacation photos are somewhat wealth-betraying. I never before considered the Facebook lying phenomenon as one of a socioeconomic nature, but now
that you've mentioned it, I think you've made a great observation!
Very entertaining blog! Your facebook rules were right on and I see many people doing exactly what you are talking about. I don’t personally have any of my information filled out, but I have lots of friends who take the “interests” and “favorite movies” to heart and fill lines and lines up with random movies and random things they find cool. I like how you quoted people talking about deception. Did you ever think of the featured based theory for the whole facebook phenomenon? I think many people do not lie on facebook because subconsciously they know they will be found out to be liars by friends. But there is also a piece of maybe thinking they will be recorded and never able to live what they say down? I do not think that facebook holds the qualities of being unable to delete what you say, because you can easily change your interests or favorite music. But I believe strongly that people do not want to get caught in a lie that could mess up their social status or position.
Insightful post. I came into conflict with some of your points, however, since no one really cares about good looks, wealth, or academic prowess, no matter how appealing one may make them seem on Facebook. All of those 945 friends you made while doing your work in Uris Library all want to get to know the "Real You" - the real you with obnoxious habits, poor hygiene, a lackluster GPA and loans deeper than the Hoover Dam. I thought I would share with you Stephen F. Covey's "7 Highly Effective Habits of That Real Person Everyone Truly Likes But is Just Hating on the Outside as a Facade":
1. Keep your friends list down to under 20. This will show people that you are selective and careful about the people you surround yourself with, or that you're slowly erecting your own hermitage.
2. Have obnoxious applications on your profile such as "I Play WOW (World of Warcraft)" so people will have insight as to what your true passions in life are
3. Don't put up a picture at all. Why is it anyone's business to sort through your pictures if they already know what you look like? Besides, nothing is sexier than the curves of a "?" They'll think you have an hourglass shape.
4. If you do decide to grace your 16 friends with your picture, make it one of your waking up at 6am, unshaved and unshowered, preferably with speckles of drool still on your face. This is more truthful to your audience, and you're never more beautiful than when you rise in the morning.
5. Join an extremist political group on Facebook to show others that you're up-to-date. Show others that you truly believe in the party/movement, and are not just trying to be funny, by writing flaming wall posts in support of Neo-Nazism.
6. Add your REAL interests and hobbies to your profile, like stamp collecting, Viking history, and cheese-making. It doesn't matter how unorthodox or uncool they might be, if that cute girl you met the other day can really appreciate you, she'll look past all your boring hobbies.
7. Country music. Lots of Country music.
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Honestly, if anyone ever followed these rules on Facebook, they would find their few acquaintances clicking the "unfriend" button immediately in disgust. Most importantly, they would not get laid. You hit it right on the head (no pun intended) when you said that the skillful uses of assessment and conventional signals can make or break your Facebook profile. Many of the 7 lies that you've spoofed are actually in high use by many facebook users, and sadly enough, to their benefit. First impressions really do make a difference.
Brilliant! This post was beautifully written. I hope you don't lose points for being to casual or using lay terms.
I understand and agree with all your theoretical assumptions. Yes, everyone lies subtly, even if they aren't trying to fool anyone. Yes, its easy to sound eccentric, wealthy, and popular. Yes, facebook is cooler than myspace.
Here is my question though. Will a perfectly engineered facebook page actually get you laid? I feel like you can either be promiscuous and sleep with people you've just met, and haven't stalked on facebook yet, or you can actually get to know someone in real life via this thing called dating first. Either way (either is cool) do social networking profiles really affect how people treat you in the real world? My guess; not so much.
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