When my boyfriend graduated from Cornell and started his career on the other side of the continent, I was convinced that our relationship would deteriorate. I always operated by the theory: “Out of sight out of mind.” Not because I am a cold and unfeeling person. I just tend to get considerably occupied and overwhelmed with schoolwork and extra-curricular activities. I barely have time to call my mother, who has time to sustain a relationship?
First, we tried to map out one another’s schedules and communicate solely via phone, but after a month of frustration my boyfriend suggested a different route. One day he suggested that we write one another poems. I screwed up my face and scoffed at his corniness. My final response was, “who has time to run to the post office?” Being the flexible and innovative person that he is, he told me to e-mail them to him instead. So, our poetry love-affair via webmail began. To my surprise it turned out great! Everyday we would send a different poem to one another and enjoy some a brief time on the phone discussing and trying to interpret one another’s poem. Not only did it give me privy to a different side of my boyfriend, it also allowed us to learn one another’s thoughts, values, and interests through a different venue. Sometimes the poems would reflect feelings that we share over being separated or they divulge information about preferences (such as my poem blatantly titled “My Ode to Autumn”). Other times, the poems were stories on different parts of our lives. Needless to say, the poems brought us closer together because they brought a different dimension to our relationship. We learned more intimate information about one another, which allowed us to identify similarities and become even closer.
Two of Wallace’s attraction factors played a role in my experience: common ground and disinhibition. Common ground, better known as the Law of Attraction, states that “people tend to like those with similar attitudes and ideas” and it “predicts liking from the proportion of shared attitudes, not the total number.” Exchanging poems allowed for us to uncover more common ground, which brought us closer together. For example, prior to our long-distance relationship, I did not know my boyfriend even read poetry let alone enjoyed writing it which is something that I have been doing since middle school (which he was unaware of as well). Our poems also showed our similar outlook on life and philosophies regarding family, friends, love, nature, and grief. As we located more similarities, it brought us closer together because people like someone who is similar to themselves.
The poems also correlate with disinhibition, which is the “role of increased self-disclosure in relational development.” Wallace explains that an intimate relationship requires a certain level of self-disclosure that will increase once you feel comfortable enough with the person to trust them. One of the reasons Wallace believes you disclose more information through the computer is because “at the keyboard you can concentrate on yourself, your words, and the feelings you want to convey.” I agree with this statement. Whenever I sat down to write a poem (I would type it later) I felt that this poem was the only way that I could express myself. I did not have visual or audio cues to help in my explanation of emotion; therefore, my poems ended up being more intimate because all I had to portray my feelings were words. Especially since I am not very vocal with my emotions, poetry and e-mail gave me the opportunity to express my emotions symbolically. Also, Wallace explained that people disclose more information because they feel “relatively anonymous, distant, and physically safe.” Although I was not anonymous, the distance did make me feel safe enough to express some thoughts and feelings that would have taken a lot longer to be explained in a face to face encounter. In person, I operate on the motto: Don’t say how you feel, show it! But once your in a long distance relationship the majority of your relationship is verbally communicating what you mean; you can not soothe someone a hundreds of miles away with a hug and a kiss. Sending information through e-mail gave me the buffer that I needed to disclose more information about how I was feeling.
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4 comments:
The change in your relationship as you switched from a rich medium to a lean one is really interesting because it clearly points out how CMC can bring two people who are physically apart closer in an unexpected way. It appears as if CMC not only brings strangers closer together but it also adds another dimension to relationships that were formed ftf. I agree that the disinhibition factor played a great role, especially because it allowed you and your boyfriend to have visual anonymity, which made you both concentrate on your words and emotions more. I also believe that disinhibition led you to increased self-disclosure because you were able to share private information that you did not share in person, such as his interest in poetry. Your experience only adds to the endless possibilities that CMC seems to provide.
I like this blog a lot. I find that whenever a relationship is on the rocks, it is best for me to write a letter or email in which I am able to say everything I want to say without having to actually talk to this person face to face. Lame? Probably! But it’s much easier for me this way, as it is for many people I know. I liked the McKenna theories you picked and think they work perfectly. I like how you were able to stay away from facebook groups or other online groups with the common ground and were really able to put it in a more meaningful frame. Were there ever bad things you learned about one another? Or things you wish you had talked about face to face before he left? Sometimes self disclosure does not always lead to good things, but I guess in your case it definitely did!
I thought this was a very interesting blog, because I am in a similar situation. I like your approach of using a different form of mediated communication (I guess you didn't really have another choice), but the way you go about it is something really creative. Not only is it creative but Wallace's theories can apply to your poetry exchanges. I find poetry to be a unique form of communication, one that has many disinhibiting effects, especially because, like you mentioned, "you can concentrate on yourself, your words and the feelings you convey." I like that you write your poems on paper first and then translate it to email--it seems as if that is a very intimate process. Thanks for sharing something so personal!
Thea,
I really enjoyed your blog post for this week. The fact that you knew each other before the long distance relationship began probably played a role in the success of your poems, since you already had a successful face-to-face relationship in which you knew and shared the things you had in common. Thus, I agree with your observations relating to the Laws of Attraction as it pertains to your relationship. You also make a good and accurate observation about how you had to translate your emotions into words, since you were no longer able to show your emotions with physical communication and cues.
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