I had known my significant other two years prior to us ever meeting face-to-face. We first met on a video game discussion forum and, after that community disbanded, continued to interact over AIM and later, via phone. The more-than-friendly aspect of the relationship had developed some time before the first phone conversation and before we had any idea of the other's physical appearance.
The initial attraction can be attributed to what McKenna describes as "Stranger on the Train" effect. Due to a certain degree of anonymity, we both felt more comfortable disclosing information about ourselves that we wouldn't ordinarily, as we're both relatively private people. However, I was also a relatively identifiable member of this online community (being relatively outspoken on certain subjects and keeping a fairly popular blog), so "Stranger in the Crowd" effect may have also played a role.
The removal of "gating features" such as physical appearance and our mutual, crippling social anxiety helped as well, because neither of us were self-conscious of being judged. In effect, we were able to express who we really were, independent of the usual criteria (race, social status, and otherwise) by which people tend to categorize those they interact with. By the time we had actually exchanged pictures, the attraction was already present.
Due to the nature of the online community, it was a given that we shared at least some of what Wallace refers to as "common ground." After all, we had both registered on the forum in an effort to connect to others with similar interests. We essentially bonded over gaming and related subjects, as well as having an extremely cynical view of the world; the last of which made us both the "black sheep" of our families, limited social circles, etc.
Interestingly, we both made several other lasting associations via our interactions on this discussion forum, which follow the same principles. The fact that we can only meet face-to-face twice a year is a bit of a strain; I theorize that it isn't as bad it it could be considering we spoke to one another over the internet for an extended period of time before, so we've both become used to the arrangement. However, due to the more intimate nature of the relationship now, we both prefer to use richer media (e.g. phone calls, Skype, etc.) whenever possible.
Comment 1
Comment 2
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I think your relationship story is a nearly perfect example of most of McKenna's factors. You mentioned common ground a little bit, which was good, but you also could mention McKenna's idea about attraction levels to those with common interests (which is present because you both found each other by first finding a forum for the purpose of discussing one of your biggest interests). Nice post!
This post is interesting since the relationship happened online at first and covers most of McKenna’s factors perfectly. The only thing I had a question on was proximity. Since he clearly lives far away from you, do you balance out the whole proximity thing by talking online, phone and skype etc? Is it ever “out of sight out of mind”? Since you and your boyfriend’s relationship seems strong, I highly doubt you have this problem, but the whole proximity factor talks about being close(er) with the people close to you, and so I was just curious.
Your relationship is really interesting and something totally new to me. It sounds healthy and even exciting due to the unpredictable nature of the online world. Since your relationship developed via CMC, I wonder how it must feel to interact in person. If both of your most utilized/best modes of communication are the Internet, is it still tough to feel totally comfortable in person? Or does the mutuality of the situation discount the social anxieties you both are prone to experience?
I wonder whether you guys would have found each other attractive/appealing/intimidating if you didn’t know about the other’s similar social anxieties. What is also interesting is that, given your mere two in-person meetings per year, I’d assume you do not live very close to one another. Had you never been in the same online community, you probably would not have known the other existed. But my question is, is Skype enough to sustain such a deep bond as the one you have?
Post a Comment